(FAITH SPEAKING)
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
(FAITH SCOFFS)
I'm impressed, Principal Wood.
Most exes are too proud to make the late-night booty call,
but not you, huh?
ROBIN: Hello, Faith.
Afraid this is business, not pleasure.
FAITH: Gotcha. You and your noob squad need a hand from big sister.
Actually, we have this nest under control.
But one of the vamps we captured, before she got turned,
she used to be a single mom.
She had children, Faith.
Look, I swear, I never would have bothered you
if I thought any of these girls could take care of them, but...
FAITH: Just text me the address, would you?
ROBIN: Thank you, sincerely.
And how've you been? Are you still...
(ECHOING) So long, Robin.
(FAITH SPEAKING)
Yo. Anybody home?
(GIRL CRYING)
Shh. Everything's gonna be cool, kid.
Can you tell me where your brothers and sisters are? Are they...
(VAMPIRE GIRL HISSING) (FAITH EXCLAIMS)
Damn.
VAMPIRE GIRL: Fooled you (BLEEP)!
FAITH: Damn it!
(VAMPIRE SCREAMING)
Why does this always happen?
(GRUNTING ANGRILY)
GILES: Long night?
I must say, for cupboards this bare,
you have an exceptional selection of chamomiles.
FAITH: What, those smelly bags?
Use them on the dark circles under my eyes.
GILES: Yes, well...
FAITH: What brings you to my neck, Giles?
Haven't clocked you since the Sunny D went from being an outie to an innie.
GILES: I have no idea what that means,
but it's good to see you, Faith.
FAITH: You can skip the friendly uncle routine.
I ain't your beloved Buffy.
I'm the go-to girl for dirty deeds done cheap, right?
So what do you need me to kill?
GILES: I'm afraid this isn't an ordinary mission.
FAITH: Which makes it different how, exactly?
GILES: The stakes are higher, as are the rewards.
My sources tell me that you've twice attempted to purchase a forged passport.
FAITH: So, I was looking to do a little globetrotting. That a crime?
GILES: Yes, actually.
But I suspect the truth of the matter is
that you want out of this second-rate Hellmouth, out of this life.
If you accept my assignment,
I can offer you safe passage to the nation of your choosing.
You'll be given a generous annual stipend
and be permitted to live out the rest of your days however you see fit.
FAITH: Yeah, right. I'm an escaped con, a murderer.
Why would the same Watchers' Council that tried to ice me
suddenly make with the pension plan?
GILES: For all intents and purposes, I am the Watchers Council,
and I'm personally authorizing your early retirement,
just as I'm authorizing this directive.
FAITH: Must be one hell of a target.
What are we talking here, a Nisanti demon? A Buski golem?
GILES: A Slayer. FAITH: Wait, huh?
GILES: In my generation, there was a single girl
given the strength and skill to fight the spread of darkness.
But in your generation,
there are nearly 2,000 women with the powers of the Slayer,
and not all of them have chosen
to use their newfound abilities conscientiously.
FAITH: You don't say.
GILES: If the girl in question were merely guilty
of the same mistakes you once made,
considerable though they may have been,
I would opt for rehabilitation.
But according to every augur in my employ,
including the Great Bearded Wizard of Northampton,
unless this young lady is terminated before fall's end,
she will usher in...
FAITH: (SIGHS) The end of the world, right?
You've got apocalypse written all over your face.
GILES: This isn't a game, Faith.
I'm not talking about staking the undead.
I'm asking you to end the life of a human being.
FAITH: Heard you the first time.
So, who is this evil bitch, anyway?
(HORSE NEIGHS)
GENEVIEVE: I think I should like a puppy.
But a proper hound,
not one of those rubbish little rats
all the other girls are stuffing into their Louis Vuittons.
RODEN: Might we concentrate on the matter at hand, Lady Genevieve?
Your unique station in life demands a rigorous education,
and the fox hunt is the most important chapter of those studies.
GENEVIEVE: I hardly slept a wink last night,
what with those godforsaken nightmares, so kindly piss off, Roden.
Unless you want me to tell His Grace, the Duke,
what you're really tutoring his daughter to...
Hold a moment. I can feel it.
She's close, isn't she? She's hiding right over there!
RODEN: Excellent. Now finish it before she goes to ground.
(LEAVES RUSTLING)
GIRL: What is this? What the hell do you want?
GENEVIEVE: (SCOFFS) This is about as far from fox as one can get.
GIRL: Look, I don't know how many other people you nutters have kidnapped,
but this time
you snatched the wrong girl.
GENEVIEVE: You filthy little commoner.
I loved that shirt.
Oh, God.
(STAMMERS) I thought you said this one would be as strong as me.
I thought she was another Slayer.
RODEN: And she was, Gigi.
Which makes this a most impressive blooding.
GENEVIEVE: We have to hide her body.
I'll have Daddy call his solicitors in case anyone...
RODEN: Don't worry your precious head.
The boys will clean up after you.
GENEVIEVE: Listen to me, you sad Irish witch.
I've jumped through every nasty hoop you've put in my way,
and now I want what was promised me.
I want what's mine.
RODEN: First of all, witches are newt-eating old hags.
I, on the other hand, am a passively attractive warlock.
Secondly, you're just going to have to be patient.
As a wise man once said,
"You can't have any pudding if you don't eat your meat."
FAITH: What gives, G?
I thought this stuck-up debutard lived in Jolly Olde.
Why are we still chilling at the Mistake by the Lake?
GILES: We'll leave for England when your training is complete.
FAITH: No offense, Professor Turtleneck,
but I kind of doubt there's much you can teach me
about the wonderful world of wetworks.
GILES: Faith, were this a garden-variety assassination,
I would have used a rifle and done the deed myself.
But my intelligence suggests that along with being one of the wealthiest,
and thus most-protected, heiresses in the British Isles,
Lady Genevieve Savidge has somehow found a way
to mystically defend her estate from conventional attack.
The only chance you have at finishing this Slayer
is by getting close to her through subterfuge and cunning.
FAITH: Hey, I'm into some freaky stuff,
but if you think I'm going downtown on this chick,
you chose the wrong Chosen One.
GILES: No. This is about infiltrating her world.
I'm going to help you fit into high society
in time for you to attend the fancy dress party
that Lady Genevieve is throwing for her 19th birthday.
FAITH: They seriously call their fancy dress parties "fancy dress parties"?
You limeys are even uptight when you get down.
But whatev, I think I've banged enough bankers
to know how to fit in with higher tax brackets.
GILES: I assure you, the British class system is about much more than wealth.
You're going to have to become intimately familiar with peerage,
diction, etiquette, classical...
Dude, how high are you?
There must be a billion girls
better suited than me for this My Fair Lady crap.
GILES: Better suited than I. And, yes, there are.
But the reason I came to you is because, Faith...
VAMPIRE BOY: You're a worthless whore.
FAITH: Don't touch me! GILES: Ow!
(FAITH GASPING)
FAITH: Oh, man. Are you...
GILES: I've survived worse.
FAITH: (SIGHS) Sorry, I don't like getting pawed at.
Not unless I paw first.
Duly noted.
FAITH: How bad did I get you?
GILES: It's fine. You hardly broke the...
FAITH: Hey.
When did you get ink?
GILES: (SIGHS) Faith, do you honestly think you're the first young person
to have stumbled upon the notion of rebellion?
Do you think you're the first to ever let an innocent person get hurt
because of your own stupidity?
You and I aren't so unalike.
But those of us who refused to pay the piper during our adolescence
have a responsibility to shoulder
the most unpleasant costs of adulthood.
FAITH: It was a salad fork, right?
GILES: I beg your pardon?
FAITH: The thing I stabbed you with.
It was a salad fork, wasn't it?
GILES: Um...
No, actually,
the salad fork has a shorter handle and a wider tine base.
But that's as good a place to start as any.
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
XANDER: Fear my awesome power!
For lo, like Kurt Russell before me,
I am a formidable eye patch-clad opponent.
And lest you think I refer to Captain Ron,
let me assure you that the one-eyed character of which I speak
is none other than the mighty Snake Plissken,
who taught me the very ass-handing
I'm about to deliver unto you.
BUFFY: Careful, Xander... (XANDER SHRIEKS)
...or you're gonna taunt that poor bag right off its chain.
XANDER: Buffy!
Sorry, thought I had the old danger room booked for the whole late-night slot.
So I could be alone with my, you know, sweaty, shirtless shame.
BUFFY: Wow, what inspired this sudden training montage?
XANDER: Oh, Renee asked if we could be sparring partners tomorrow,
so I figured I should re-acquaint my body
with non-Dance Dance Revolution related movement first.
BUFFY: (CHUCKLES) Sparring partners?
XANDER: Don't arch your eyebrow at me, young lady.
Renee and I are just pals.
Our workout sessions will be as non-physical
as pugilistic-related activities can possibly...
Buff? You okay?
BUFFY: Sorry, I'm in full-on fret mode about this whole Twilight gimmick.
We still don't know what this thing has to do
with Uncle Sam declaring shock-and-awe on us, right?
(GROWLING)
You heard anything more from our friend in the library?
XANDER: That's a negatory.
Giles has been incommunicado for a few weeks now.
But I'm sure he's got too many new books that need shelving
to worry about a classic that's already been checked out, you know?
(ROARS)
Not that anyone is checking you out, of course.
Not anyone here, I mean, in this gym, right now.
Also, has anyone seen where I left my bad analogy?
BUFFY: Made more sense than the dream I just bolted out of.
XANDER: Trouble in slumberland?
I've been having repeats of the same bad episode every night this week.
There's this thing chasing me,
and no matter how hard I run, it always ends up scoring the pounce.
But right before it swallows me whole,
the big smelly looks me right in the eyes and says, "The queen is dead."
XANDER: Weird.
MONSTER: Long live the queen!
GILES: One last question before your car arrives.
According to Debrett's Correct Form,
who takes seating precedence at a formal dinner,
a dowager peeress or the wife of an incumbent baronet?
FAITH: (IN BRITISH ACCENT) I have no sodding idea!
GILES: Marvelous.
After two months, I dare say your accent is nearly passable.
FAITH: (IN NORMAL ACCENT) Good, because I still suck at everything else you taught me.
GILES: You'll be fine, Faith.
Does your selection work all right?
FAITH: If the goal is to make me feel like a complete idiot, then, yes.
So, how we doing here?
GILES: Five by five.
ENGLISH - US - PSDH